


Fly Me To The Moon

by Bleaky_Blue



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, F/F, First Love, Fluff, I Am Sorry, One Shot, then angst again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:40:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29005443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleaky_Blue/pseuds/Bleaky_Blue
Summary: 'She had always loved her, all her life, for all of time.'
Relationships: Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Jung Wheein, Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	Fly Me To The Moon

**Author's Note:**

> Snippets of life and death, of beginnings and endings. There will be flashes of their lives throughout the story, from the first meeting until the last.  
> I am also sorry for writing an even longer one-shot, it just consumed me. This work had been sitting in my saved files for months now, and so here it is.

Five years, was it? Or maybe four, or six, or seven.

She doesn’t know anymore.

How many seasons had passed her? Four.

Five.

Six. 

Seven?

She never forgot, not really. How could she? When the girl she loved, with all of her heart and life, suddenly got taken away, slipping from her hands when she just looked away for just a moment? When forever was just there, holding her hands tightly, laughing and smiling, then just gone the next time she opened her eyes? Where was the girl she had devoted her life to? 

They promised that together they would face everything. Promised. 

They promised.

How can a promise be fulfilled, when one has been lowered into the ground, covered by the dark soil while the other grieves, wails of anger and despair echoing in the silence of death? How can forever be ever, when the other half has been severed?

‘Cruel. Whoever god is above, you’re cruel.’

* * *

The sun rose in the east and Yongsun tried her hardest to drag her body away from the bed. Her mom remarked, nearly everyday now, that she moved like a ghost, or a zombie. Mechanical, and without a set direction, just leading her life as if it did not matter anymore.

Her job as an architectural engineer didn’t suffer, however, and she’s more efficient in drawing and tracing lines. The hypnotic motion of her hands on the white of the paper, and her fingers on the pencil, made her forget, even just a little. The pain will always be there, ever present, never-ending. Nagging her, hurting her with the little things that had used to bring her the ultimate joy.

It’s an effective distraction to have. Not only from despair, from the loss, but also from the gun she kept inside that drawer.

“Yongsun, would you like to come with me? I know you have to go to the office in two hours, but can’t you spare time for your cousins? They missed you, since you never go outside except for work and groceries these days.”

Looking up from where her head hung low, eyes on the cereal she’s eating, nails tapping on the surface of the wooden table, she replied.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I can’t.”

Had she always sounded so flat? So monotone? 

So… dead?

Even without turning, Yongsun knew that her Mom’s mouth was in that thin, disappointed line. It’s been like that ever since… ever since Byulyi died.

“Okay, darling. Call me if you need something.”

Mom left, leaving Yongsun alone inside her dark, single apartment. Her mother sometimes visits her, especially whenever she won’t answer the phone, or pick up their calls and reply to the messages. Why should she, when everyone always, always tells her to forget, to not hold unto the memories of a dead woman, to find another.

It isn’t the end of the world, they told her. 

Wrong, all of them were wrong.

They wouldn’t understand.

No one understands.

Byulyi was her world, her heart was in her hands.

If you lost one of your arms, would you forget it? Would it just cease to exist, and now you have to remind yourself that there was no arm there? No. You can feel the phantom pains,and sometimes the memory of its presence will hurt you. And whenever your eyes trail to that empty space, you will be made aware of that loss.

Byulyi was Yongsun’s arm.

Or foot.

Her other half.

And now, she’s not here anymore.

Standing and throwing her half-finished bowl in the sink, Yongsun slowly made her way back to her room, ascending the stairs. Slowly, as if in her ankle was clasped a ring of lead. She sat on the bed, eyes blank as she looked down on her hands. She mapped each individual line, touching the callous on her palms, and the ring still around her finger. In Byulyi’s fingers, under the ground and inside her eternal bed, laid one of the same make.

These same hands held hers, once. And never again.

But sometimes, she imagines.Thinks of what-if’s and all her wishes. They were always, always together. Byulyi and her. A package deal, they joked. You cannot see Yongsun without Byulyi, just like how the moon borrows its light from the sun. From childhood until they were adults, they revolved around each other, eyes trailing, hands touching. Orbiting each other, gravity pulling them towards one another.

Tears made its way out of her eyes, and continued dropping unto her palms and lap. Will it stop, this pain? Maybe not, as evidenced by the wetness of her cheeks and the harsh sting on her chest. Laying down on her bed and hugging her pillow, she thought about her life. How broken it is, incomplete, miserable. She sniffled as tears continued pouring, and before long, when the memories of a happier past overwhelmed her, Yongsun cried and screamed and raged as she buried her face. Her voice is muffled, but she can clearly hear the sound of her heart breaking over and over again, until it has become dust from six? Seven? Many years of grinding.

_‘Why? Why does it still hurt?’_

_‘Why did you leave me alone?’_

The face on her nightstand smiled, like a thousand burning suns and Yongsun turned away, choked on her tears and drowned in her misery.

“Please come back.”

* * *

She wasn’t always like this, this she knows. A sunshine, a ray of light. That’s why she was Yongsun, or Solar, as what her mother had once called her, with her likeness to the celestial body. Ever since she was a child, her smile was flashing bright. 

Earth is surrounded by planets, the sun, and its own satellite, the moon.

And so, in a happy coincidence, Yongsun met Byulyi, when they were nothing but little girls. Naive ten year olds, oblivious to the future that will bind them, and force them apart.

* * *

Yongsun was skipping to school, since her birthday had just been celebrated yesterday. A lot of her friends came over and gave her gifts, and most of those are things she really wanted! She played with her new dolls, ate the chocolates, and rode the bicycle Mom and Dad gave her. It was fun! Everything was perfect! 

And so, with that, her happiness persisted until the morning after her birthday.

Whenever she went to school, Yongsun had to take the small path that led to the old abandoned park near the dump site for trucks and cars and other things unneeded and then thrown away. What was it called? 

Ah, a junkyard! 

It wasn’t so bad, but since her house was a bit far from school, she had to take a shortcut, and this was the closest to the school! There aren’t weird people here, and the cops she asked told her that it was relatively safe! This had been her route for many years now, and it had never failed her!

Humming a song as she hopped and kicked a rock, Yongsun startled when she heard low mumbling near her. She stopped, and though it should have made her scared, she always had been a curious child, never letting others stop her from snooping and her adventures. Hands cupping her ears as she listened to the source, she closed her eyes to better concentrate. She followed and as she got nearer the mumbles got louder, and when she opened her eyes, she saw a girl, maybe the same age as her, feeding stray cats and dogs behind a bus.

“Here, idiots. You’re all so thin, so you have to eat lots. Don’t worry, Mom doesn’t notice me, so I think she hardly noticed me stealing bread and canned foods. Eat more.”

Ah! The girl is feeding strays! How admirable!

“Hello, there!”

And the animals fled.

“Nice going, dumbass.”

Yongsun reddened, embarrassed at her actions. She only wanted to greet the other girl, since she wore the same uniform as her. That’s all she wanted to do! She never meant to scare away the hungry animals!

“I’m sorry…”

“Whatever. Since I was told to be respectful, let me ask your name. Who the fuck are you?”

A gasp.

“Hey! That’s a bad word. We’re not allowed to say bad words!”

“God, how can you be so annoying. Just tell me your name.”

“Fine! I’m Kim Yongsun!”

“Okay. Bye.”

Enraged at the fact that she didn’t even give her name to Yongsun, she ran after her and held her wrist. It was bony, and she is definitely thinner than Yongsun, like she hadn’t been eating properly. Her hair is so long too, but they were uneven, as if someone just took a scissor and hacked them without care with how they would look. Her sweater was so baggy, they covered the skirt, nearly reaching above her knees.

Huh. Weird.

“That’s rude, you know! You have to give me your name, too.”

There was an irritating huff of air, and the girl who was trying to free her hands from her, turned around and gave her a glare so fierce, Yongsun flinched at the intensity of those dark eyes.

“I’m Moon Byulyi. Now, fucking let go of me.”

The girl, Byulyi, walked faster, trying to lose her. The both of them got out of the junkyard and continued their way to school. Intrigued by this rude girl she had just met, Yongsun didn’t realize that she was walking beside her and staring at Byulyi hard. 

“Why are you following me, you banshee?”

Squawking, Yongsun stopped, offended.

“Why am I a banshee? And no, I’m not following you! My school is this way!”

”Oh my god, you go to the same school as me? How did I get so unlucky.”

“You’re so unpleasant!”

Yongsun ran towards the gates of the school, leaving her behind, enraged at the other girl. She only wanted to be friends! Why was she so mean to her? Was it because she scared away the strays? Or maybe, maybe because she startled her? 

No matter, she won’t be seeing her anymore. This school is big, and there are hundreds of elementary students here, it’ll be hard to pinpoint just one girl. Yongsun hoped that Byulyi is a grade older, so they’ll be separated by one building. Interacting with her made all of her good mood vanish, and evaporate into nothingness into the air.

But of course, even that one wish was denied. And the word ‘unlucky’ burned itself unto her mind. Because, right in front of her, was the girl with the horrible hair and the loose sweater.

“Class, we have a transfer student. This is Moon Byulyi and she transferred here because of her mother’s job. I want you to be nice to her. Byulyi, please greet your classmates.”

A shallow bow.

That’s it? 

“Okay, then. Take your seat over there.”

Yongsun watched as the mean girl brought herself and her bag towards the empty chair at the back of the classroom. She’s nowhere near Yongsun and that made her relieved. This way, she won’t have to be forced to socialize with her, and they would have to be just classmates until the end of this term.

That served Yongsun well.

* * *

Months passed and they didn’t talk again, not that Byulyi talked with others, too. Miss Lee told them that she was ‘selectively mute’ and that sometimes she won’t talk and that they have to respect her boundaries and privacy. They shouldn’t force her to converse with them, especially when she initially denied them her voice. Respect, if they want it to be given to them, they will also have to give it to others.

_‘Well, she talked to me before and she was mean!’_

But all her anger didn’t last long, when she saw how much isolated Byulyi was, and it became more apparent as time went on. Their classmates called her names, and teased her about not being able to speak. Sometimes, those other girls would take her bag and hide it until the teacher came inside the classroom, who would then help Byulyi in retrieving her bag. Then, her homeworks and pencils would vanish, her shoes would be drenched inside her locker, and there would be scribbles on her desk.

Yongsun heard them talk, the children who bullied Byulyi, and she felt angry at their words.

_‘How do you even become selectively mute?’_

_‘How did the doctor sign the papers? Is that even a legit sickness?’_

_‘She’s just too lazy to talk. Damn mute.’_

_‘She’s so ugly, too. Ugh, I don’t want her near me. What if you can have her ugliness when she touches you?’_

It angered her.

And so, Yongsun researched a lot about selective mutism the day Ms. Lee announced her affliction to the class. Not because she was worried but she was really so curious. Why did Byulyi talk to her? What made her mute? How do you even communicate with a mute person? A notebook and a pen?

KSL. 

Right! She can learn that! And if people are still so horrid to her, Yongsun can drive them away.

It was hard, and her fingers are not used to the movements of the sign language, so she made mistakes. A lot of them, too. She’s pretty sure her thumb is not supposed to bend like that, but she has to perfect this, at least the basics, before she’d march up to Byulyi’s desk and communicate with her. Maybe she’ll be sarcastic again and speak in those rough words again. But she’s determined and she’ll do anything to be proficient in sign language! Even if her hands are aching from the excessive wriggling and folding.

Hard work pays off, and the day came when she can already sign ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, and the KSL alphabet decently. Mom asked her why she was learning, and she told her that it was for that one mute girl in class.

“You always wanted to be everybody’s friend, Yongsun. I’m not surprised you’re doing this.” Is what Mom said, but Yongsun is sure that she is doing it so she can respond to Byulyi’s rapid fire finger rap, which she sometimes does when she thought she was alone after classes were done.

‘Hello.’ Yongsun signed, proud at the way she delivered that.

Then, Byulyi raised her eyebrows at her, and wrote something in her notebook. 

‘Idiot. That means ‘Poop’.’

“What? But I was positive that it means hello! See, _hello!_ ”

Then, she heard it. The tinkling sound of someone giggling. It took her an embarrassingly long time to remove her eyes from the chortling Byulyi, holding her belly as she banged her head on her table. It was… adorable? Cute? The way her dimples showed on her cheeks, resembling whiskers and doesn’t that just suit her? Like the strays she fed back on the day they first met? Yes, they do look alike.

Very adorable.

Byulyi signed, so fast, that it made Yongsun crosseyed trying to follow her fingers.

“Wait, I don’t know that! What does that mean? Tell me!”

Everyone was looking at them weirdly, and Yongsun found she didn’t care. 

It felt nice to hear Byulyi laugh.

* * *

They had a truce after Yongsun failed that sign language so spectacularly. It was embarrassing, and morifying, but she won’t complain, because she got an almost friend at the mistake. Hanging out during lunch break, sharing food, and talking. Well, talking on Yongsun’s part and signing with Byulyi. Yongsun learned a lot in terms of KSL, and now she is confident she can understand the things her friend is telling her, but of course, they still had to resort to using their phones as a means of communication, especially when her friend wanted to rant.

“Byulyi? Can I ask you something?”

‘What.’

“Why did you speak to me that one morning? You know, in that junkyard?”

The other girl looked above, on the dark clouds, as rain poured around them. She tilted her head, and the umbrella they shared leaned on one side, wetting Yongsun’s dress. Shrieking in indignation as the wetness climbed higher and higher on her skirt, Yongsun hit Byulyi playfully, and took the umbrella from her hands. Her friend snickered, obviously happy at terrorizing her.

“Don’t avoid the question! Tell me why!” She whined.

‘I guess, cause the conversation’s going to be too long if I don’t talk. You’re the type to follow and annoy the hell out of anybody. So I made an exception for the nosy girl.’

“I’m not!”

‘You are. Easily one of the most annoying people I’ve met.’

She screamed in mock anger and chased Byulyi in the rain, on that narrow street they walked when they first saw each other. The girl was in front of her, dripping from head to toe, and she could hear that laughter again, tickling her ears as she ran and listened to Byulyi’s happiness spilling, like how the rain poured from the clouds.

Byulyi turned around, hair flowing with her twirling body, and she showed Yongsun the sweetest smile she had ever received in her life. 

_Thump. Thump._

And her heart beat faster as she stared more, eyes following the girl’s lithe form as she danced and pranced.

_‘Beautiful. She’s really beautiful.’_

* * *

Yongsun never really fully realized her feelings for her friend was in any way romantic, and thought that her regard for her was just a healthy dose of admiration any girl would have for their friend. Like how other girls remark on the pretty hair, nails, and clothes of their classmates? Or how they would tease and touch each other, and laugh and smile? Compare breast sizes? Go change together in the changing rooms?

But no.

Would you feel this boiling jealousy, when you see your best friend receiving their first love letter? Would you want to rip that love-filled paper, because it makes you uncomfortable when you see her face reddening as the realization that someone out there, a boy maybe, held amorous feelings for her? 

Would your chest hurt? 

“Hey, Byulyi. Are you going to answer him?”

‘I don’t know. I never had people giving me these things. This is the first time.’

“You have to decide, you know. You can’t make him wait for too long. The earlier you accept or reject him, the better for the two of you.”

Byulyi stopped walking, and held Yongsun’s wrist, so reminiscent of how she grabbed hers back in the junkyard. Her eyes looked like they were pleading, for what, she doesn’t know. Then, Yongsun’s heart broke in a thousand pieces, bleeding as Byulyi’s next words squeezed them out of her.

‘What do you think I should do, Yongsun? I think I want to return their feelings. They sound so sincere, it’s rude to reject them when they’re so earnest, don’t you think so? Maybe, we’ll date for a while and I’ll see what kind of person they are.’

Would it be alright to cry?

“I think that’s fine, Byulyi. You’ll do great, and I know whoever this boy is, he will treat you good. Now, I have to go home. I know we planned to go to that cafe, but I just remembered that Mom asked me to buy something for her.”

‘What? Then, let me come with you!’

“Ah, no. It’s really far. I don’t want to inconvenience you. You can go to the cafe and tell me everything about it later. Bye, Byulyi. See you on Monday. Be careful when riding the train.”

Yongsun tried so hard to say those words, and not break down in front of her friend. But when she waved her goodbye, then ran as if dogs were chasing her, she realized that her cheeks felt strange and that her eyes were stinging, and when she swiped her fingers, they came off wet.

She had been crying.

Because of Byulyi. 

Ah, really.

She loves Byulyi, there’s no denying it.

How ironic, she smiled bitterly, to understand these blooming buds of love, just to have them stomped on the same day of the realization.

‘I love her. I love her. I love her.’

Fifteen years old, and already so heart broken.

* * *

‘Are you okay, Yongsun? You look like shit, by the way.’

Groaning, she turned her eyes at her best friend? Crush? Her source of happiness and sadness? She was looking at her worriedly, and that is an unusual expression to be on the face of the strongest girl Yongsun had ever met. She had always been rough, and no matter how many times others bullied her, she would always rise and brush them off, sometimes letting herself punch those who tried to test her patience.

“Yeah, I’m just so tired! I slept so late last night, because Mom asked me to clean my room. My cousins are coming over, and she wants them to have a good impression of our home.”

Byulyi grabbed a chair and sat on it in front of her desk. 

‘I have something to tell you.’

This is it. She prepared for this. All her tears had been exhausted last night. It’s inevitable.

‘But, I’ll tell you during lunch, on the rooftop.’

Oh, good. Once Byulyi tells her the news of her graduation from her singleness, it will be easier to just throw herself off the roof, then die on impact. Hopefully her death will come painlessly.

”Okay.”

And so class started, and she prayed and prayed to every deity to slow time down, and to make it stop if they can. Yongsun does not wish to hear those words from her, and she can only take days of crying before she really dies of dehydration. 

The bell rang and she startled so badly, she hit her knee on the desk, followed by a sharp cry. Yongsun had spent an entire period just sitting there and mourning because her best friend will finally get a boyfriend, and she just realized that her feelings for the other girl are not in any way platonic.

“Are you okay, Miss Kim? That was a very loud bang.”

Snickers and giggles can be heard throughout the class, and she blushed hotly. She chanced a look at her best friend and found her looking concerned at her distracted state. This isn’t like her, Yongsun knows. She was a nerd, and she listened a lot, even if she’s tired or just not in the right mood to learn. Her grades are high because she works hard. So, seeing her so down like this might be a cause of alarm for Byulyi, and frankly, she doesn’t know if she can care about her grades when she is still healing from the rejection she suffered, even though she didn’t confess in the first place.

‘Rooftop, now.’

Sghing, she followed the stomping of her best friend. They reached the door, and Byulyi opened it with so much force, Yongsun winced at the sound the steel produced. But, when they reached the rooftop, her friend just stood there with her back to her, adn Yongsun fidgeted, nerves already wired from the two days she spent thinking about Byulyi’s would-be boyfriend.

“Um, Byulyi? Are we here to eat lunch? You see Mom bou-”

Her words tapered at the end, as bright glaring eyes penetrated her.

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

Wait, she spoke? The last time words came out of her was nearly two months ago. 

“What?”

“Why did you run last Friday? Why didn’t you come to the cafe with me?”

Tongue-tied and still dazzled at the pretty face now practically shoved in front of her, Yongsun reddened, and stammered her reply. She just can’t help it, alright? Byulyi looks so pretty from far away but when she’s this close, it’s like every single thing that made her so lovely to Yongsun’s eyes is magnified by at least a hundred times. 

Long eyelashes, cute button nose, the freckles, sparkling doe eyes, and her pink lips.

“Um. Uh. AH! I told you about my mom giving me an errand! Did you forget about that?”

Her nose scrunched, and Yongsun wanted to kiss her, so badly she had to physically remind herself that it isn’t appropriate to just randomly suck faces with Byulyi. Pinching the skin just below her skirt, she was thrusted back to reality and made to listen to her now irritated friend.

“I know you lied. We’ve been together for five years, surely you’ll get it inside that big, dumb brain that I can tell when you tell me a lie or not?”

“Uh, no?”

Byulyi sighed, huffing as she held Yongsun’s hands and led her to sit in their usual place, with their backs to the railings, and their lunch boxes on their laps. The silence permeated the air between them, but unlike the comfortable quiet that’s so common for the two of them, this felt like being choked by invisible hands.

Uncomfortable. Restricting. Suffocating.

“What do you think happened to the boy who sent me that letter?”

Go ahead and break my heart again, Byulyi.

“You became lovers, right? Congratulations! Who would have thought that you’ll be the first of us two to have a boyfriend? Don’t mind me if I join you two sometimes, okay? I will have to make sure that he won’t do something nasty to you!”

How would she look to her, if Yongsun would just break and bawl like a child? 

“I didn’t accept their offer of relationship. I lied, too. I never thought of being in a relationship with someone I’ve never even met.”

Her mind screeched to a halt, and thousands of thoughts came to a stop. Wide eyes turned to her, and Yongsun gulped, when she saw how close Byulyi had gotten. Her fingers caressed her hair, tucking the stray strands behind her hair. Byulyi is so gentle, so comforting, and Yongsun leaned towards the digits carding her locks.

“I called you here because I want to tell you something.”

A deep breath. 

“Yongsun, I like you.”

And her world exploded, righted itself and her heart healed and healed. And before she can raise her head and open her mouth, warm lips descended, and tears sprang out of her eyes. Her years of pining, and the past few days being tortured by the knowledge that she’ll forever be damned to watch her belong to others, made her sob uncontrollably. A thumb wiped her cheek, and hands cradled her face.

“I like you, too, Byulyi.”

“I know. You’re so obvious it’s so painful to watch.”

“Yeah, go ahead and laugh, you heartless monster.”

“Gladly.”

The sweetest smile, and now the sweetest kiss. Yongsun really is the luckiest girl in the world.

* * *

Dating your best friend is not as unusual as Yongsun thought it would be. They still do the things most normal friends do, but they also sneak into nooks or the bathrooms or to the empty classrooms just to snog each other, and share body heat.

“We shouldn’t be doing this here, Byulyi. What if-if somebody comes by?”

Shuddering, Yongsun tried her best to keep her moans from coming out, afraid that they'd be discovered the moment she removed her hands from her mouth. Why does Byulyi have to be turned on at the most inopportune of times? Is she an exhibitionist? 

“There’s no one here. Class ended nearly an hour ago, and I’m pretty sure the janitor is still cleaning the gyms.”

But it doesn’t mean that we can use the damn rooms for this! God, this girl is so stubborn!

She squealed when she felt a tongue roughly swipe at her core, shivering at the sinful motions the thick muscle made. It feels good, and though she still had doubts on canoodling inside the school, Yongsun can’t deny the pleasure it brought her whenever her best friend-turned-girlfriend did naughty things unprompted and without a reminder. 

“Don’t just focus there, you-ah- have to do it-”

Her legs are hiked up, propped to Byulyi’s shoulders as she kneeled in front of Yongsun, lapping at her entrance. Her fingers, which gripped her thighs, are now inching towards her sheath, tracing the folds as Byulyi licked and lathered, until she has stretched enough. The digits stroked her sensitive heat, and Byulyi stood up, fingers continuing the ministrations as she sucked bruises on her neck, marking her clearly and she knows she’ll have trouble covering it up tomorrow.

Blues and purples will dot her skin, and even if it rouses a problem, Yongsun liked that she’ll be dyed with Byulyi’s lips and teeth.

“Hmm. Really fucking hot, this nosy, nosy girl.”

“Why don’t you talk more, and then our classmates will see that you’re not really the angel they thought you are, you fiend.”

“You’re the only one who needs to hear my voice. No one else.”

Then her fingers dug inside Yongsun, pressed that bundle of nerves, and she screamed.

* * *

“What path are you taking, Yongsun? You know when we graduate?”

She thought about her answer. It’s sensible to ask this, since they’ll graduate in a few more months, being high school seniors. But no matter how much she thought, whatever plans she made, Yongsun cannot make sense of her future. She wanted to try different things, travel different places, and help all kinds of people. But if she does that, she’ll be separated from Byulyi, who decided that she wanted to be an investigator, or a police detective.

It suits her, since she always tries her hardest to aid those who need help, be there for kids like her who never grew up with the warmth of a parent’s love, or a safe home, and just become the one person who’ll bring justice to people who cannot afford to save themselves, who lost all hope and their will to fight.

“I don’t know, yet. Nothing feels right to me.”

“How about architecture? You’re so good at drawing and I know you’re really intelligent when it comes to math. And you want to have your own house in the future, right? Why don’t you be the one to make it?”

Oh. She saw her sketchbook?

“And by the looks of your face, you never thought of revealing that black sketchbook, full of my face and my body , both naked and clothed, posed in various positions, to me? How rude. I deserved to be paid. Handsomely, of course. I will accept only in cash.”

Oh no. Yongsun never meant for her to see that, because obviously, it’s full of her naughtiest and kinkiest memories with Byulyi, and she just wanted to have a reminder of how beautiful her girlfriend is. She kept it inside her drawer, buried under her thickest sweaters, so no one can find it, especially not Byulyi.

“I didn’t want you to see it…”

“Why?”

In her extreme embarrassment, she felt her throat clog up and so she just signed. ‘Because, because I don’t want you to look at me weird just because I drew you after we, um, do the deed. Um. complex entanglement. Uh, sweaty jungle gym knotty bendy. Um-’

“Stop, dumbass. I understand that you’re a pervert, truly. God, how will your dear Mom react, when I tell her that you drew porn of us two? She’ll cry. Better call her now.”

Yongsun yelled as she tried to snatch Byulyi’s cell phone, which she dangled up on the air,as she was a little bit taller than her. No fair, she wanted to be the same height, too! There was only a 1 cm difference, so why does she seem much taller than Yongsun? What food is this giant eating?

Her waist was then clamped by two warm hands, and Byulyi backed her into the corner of the rooftop, near the door. There is a hand under her clothes, exploring her skin as it prickled with her touch, and the other holding arms above her head. Her lips connected with hers, and she moaned loudly, not quite registering that she is being devoured in the middle of the day. 

“You’re good at art, and though the subject is kind of… sensual, I know you’ll fit right in as an architect. And if you decide something else, I’ll also support you, and help you, because no way am I gonna leave you here while I follow my dreams. I want you to reach your goals, and I’ll be there every step of the way. And besides, I like it when you draw me, and only me. Now, let’s go back to class before I say any more sappy shit.”

Yongsun smiled, an honest smile, and she entwined her fingers to Byulyi’s, assured of her future, assured of her love.

“Thank you.”

Dark eyes fell on her, and Yongsun can see the fondness swimming in those pools.

“You’re welcome. Now, I know you never finished homework, so I’ll help you with that.”

“Nerd.”

“Who learned KSL just so she can communicate with the girl who insulted her?”

“That’s beside the point!”

“No, that’s my point. Now, focus, Yongsun.”

“I hate physics.”

“Too bad, you have to pass.”

“You demon.”

* * *

When the time came for them to enter college, Yongsun was disappointed and downtrodden. She never really did her research on the school she’s entering, further stressing Byulyi’s words, and only focused on the entrance exams. Byulyi was also hellbent on entering the Forensic Science department, since that’ll be her way to becoming the detective she wanted to be. What she didn’t realize was that her girlfriend is entering a specialized institution, geared for the sole reason of producing top-notched law enforcers. So, Byulyi is in a university for criminology, law, and other such courses, while Yongsun was stuck on her Architectural Engineering in another university. 

Which is an hour away. One hour of distance between them. Nearly two hundred kilometers divide them.

Perfect. Just perfect.

“Don’t worry, Yongsun. You’ll be fine. It won’t slip under anyone’s notice that you’re a ball of sunshine. There are good people there, and you’ll make friends immediately.”

She buried her face at the other girl’s naked chest, trailing her nose at cleavage of her bosom, and took in the scent of home.

Comfort. Peace. Love.

“I don’t want to go to school without you. I want to stay forever. But, I know that this will be for our dreams so, I’ll do my best.”

Thin fingers hooked under her chin and raised her head so she could look at Byulyi. There’s sadness in those eyes, and she understood that she’s not the only one suffering from the days that will separate them. Yongsun wanted to cry, a lot, but it will prove useless, since she is here to comfort Byulyi, too. Never had she wished for her to be so down.

“I’ll miss your everyday insanity, Yongsun.”

“I’ll voice call, video call, and chat with you everyday. Every night.”

“I’ll visit your apartment when there’s a holiday, and during semestral breaks.”

The both of them smiled, and though there is still the persistent, lingering doubt in her mind, Yongsun is happy that Byulyi will now be pursuing what she wanted in life. They’ve been attached for nine years, been lovers for four of those, and it will be hard to adjust to the absence of the face she adored, and that cute smile that made her fall.

_‘I’m happy you’re happy.’_

* * *

God, how she hated everything here. Everything was just so chaotic, and disorganized. People are running like their hairs are on fire, some looked like they ran purely on coffee, and walked with blank eyes. There are others crying near the trash cans, and Yongsun just can’t deal with hundreds of students dying in front of her.

The freshmen and sophomores are pale, and understandably so. She was like that when she first heard about the tests, and frankly, it lit the pettiness inside her when she saw them succumb to despair. Seniors, however, are taking everything in stride, calm and talking with others casually, way too familiar with the technicality of the test. They are also the few that survived the school, so maybe Yongsun had to give them applause, for reaching the end. 

Well, she might be feeling apprehensive, too, since today is when they’ll get a result from that hellish assessment week. It was a week where all the architectural engineering, architect, engineering, industrial design, visual arts, art history, music, and fashion designs students all signed up, obligatorily, to the program. If you opted out of the experience, be prepared to fail since it consists of 40% of their final grade. It’s meant to be a workshop to develop their skills, and to be mentored by their seniors in the field. That’s what they were all told, and then at the last two days, there will be an intensive examination and practicals, and recitals, and scale presentations that everyone found themselves unprepared for. It changes every year, and the directors and their professors are surely enjoying this torture.

“Hey, Kim Yongsun! Yo, saw your grade?” 

Ahn Hyejin is a classmate, and a certified Boss Bitch, her words. She also has music as a minor subject, and she can really belt and sing, not that it helped her, since she suffered from near deafness being close to Hyejin. However, Yongsun is really delighted to have a friend and a roommate as confident as her, and she has helped her so many times in their three years in college, especially when she felt as if she had failed everything. 

“Yes, I did!”

“Did you pass? Tell me!”

“It’s 81%, but damn it felt good to finally step into the glory of the 80’s.”

“Yes! I got an 80%, so now let’s go back to the dorms and get drunk together! I brought booze and we can order fried chicken!”

She shook her head, and smiled as she remembered her promise to Byulyi. “Ah, I’m sorry Hyejin. But, I promised Byulyi that we’ll meet tonight and since we have a three-day break, I’ll stay at her apartment. We can drink next time, I promise”

Hyejin smirked at her, and raised a fine eyebrow. Sighing, Yongsun braced herself for another round of teasing, just looking at her friend with exasperated eyes. Ever since she found out that she is dating a girl attending another university, there had been no end to the badgering and to the needling, with Hyejin wanting to see the ever ’elusive and mysterious’ Byulyi. 

She’s also dating a girl, Jung Wheein, so what is so unusual with Yongsun having a relationship with Byulyi?

“Tsk, tsk. Yongsun, Yongsun, Yongsun. Growing up and having fun, eh? Just be sure to use the right dil-”

Flushing with embarrassment, she covered the maroon-tinted lips with her hands, looking around and making sure that no one heard.

“Don’t say it out loud, geez!”

“Use lubrication!Tons, and the mo-”

“God, just shut up.”

* * *

Yongsun made her way to the cafe they promised to meet, and she spied a lavender haired girl seated near the window. And with that vision, Yongsun carded her hands through her now blonde hair. They dared each other the last time they met, and since neither of them wanted to rescind or surrender, they ended up following their own bets.

She ran, until she reached the table, smiling like a fool.

“Byulyi!” 

Turning, Yongsun’s smile widened, as she got a full view of the face she hasn’t seen in nearly two months. That color looks good on her, she thought. It brings out her eyes. 

“Oh wow! Platinum blonde really suits you!”

“You, too! Lavender is perfect, I told you!”

The two of them giggled, and Yongsun greedily drank the sight of her girlfriend.Still so pretty, still so beautiful. How much time passed, for her to not see this visage? It’s been three years since they started going to each of their respective schools, but it will never dull the longing in Yongsun’s heart whenever she sees Byulyi again, and know that in the end, she’ll hop on that train and wave goodbye to the girl, no, the woman she loves the most.

“Why aren’t you eating? I ordered that cappuccino because I know how much of a coffee addict you are. And that chocolate mousse, too, since they’re your favorite.”

“I just really missed you.”

Byulyi stopped eating, and grinned at Yongsun, cake dangling from her fork. “Really, now?”

“Yes, you idiot.”

“They grow up so fast! Already calling me an idiot!”

Byulyi chortled, and Yongsun smiled with her. Whoever she meets, whatever she may do, wherever she is, this girl will always, always be her inspiration, her unchanging muse. Her whiskers show up, and she looks like an adorable rabbit whenever she laughs. Byulyi never lost those teeth. She hated them, but Yongsun adored it with a passion.

“So, how’s that 6-week training academy? You were raging when I called you the other day.”

Her girlfriend groaned, banging her head to the tabletop, making the cups and the plates rattle loudly. Yongsun propped her head with one hand, the other still swirling the spoon in her coffee. Waiting for Byulyi to start her tirade, she decided to just sip her coffee, knowing that this will be a long string of complaints.

“Ah,god, the fucking academy. We had to wake up at four in the morning, and be ready to fucking jog half an hour later. Then, after the death march, we do the morning routines that guarantee we will not be able to walk for the rest of the day! Then we continue with the drills and the practicals and I find myself nearly puking at the end of all of that! We even had to carry a heavy backpack, nearly 5 kilograms, whenever we did the running exercises! Monsters, the lot of them!”

It made Yongsun so elated, to hear her talk like this, uninhibited and unafraid. They still converse in sign, but she prefers it like this, to know Byulyi’s thoughts directly, and to listen to her voice which is significantly deeper than hers. Maybe the reason for that is because she’s now far from her mother’s reach, and she’ll never have to close her mouth and be silent just to prevent those malicious eyes from falling on her. Now, Byulyi is free, and Yongsun is overjoyed to hear that she had cut all ties to the person who broke her down.

“Hm. Is that why you’re so toned now? Are those muscles I see?”

Byulyi flexed her arms, and she mockingly kissed them, winking at Yongsun all the while. The red rose to the apples of her cheeks and covered herself with the menu card near them. Really, so shameless! They’re in the middle of a coffee shop!

“You’ll get to enjoy them tonight, and the next. They’re all yours.”

Yongsun can’t wait, and warmth flooded when that fond smile was directed at her.

* * *

Moans and groans echoed in the empty room, as two bodies rolled and ground against each other. Legs entwined, and breathes mingled. Their sweat and fluids wet the sheets of the bed, making everything so slick and humid. Pleasure and pain combined, bringing them closer and closer to heaven the more they shared this heat.

“Ah! Byulyi, No! Not there!”

Fingers trailed her heated skin, and Yongsun could feel every little movement, every small touch. Keening as a mouth marked her, painting her in bruises and marks, stating a claim.

_Yours, yours, yours._

Her nipples perked, when Byulyi blew air to them, cooling the warmth on the hardened nubs. Then she latched on them, and she squeaked, as a tongue licked it all over, and a mouth sucking on them, as if there was something there that must be obtained. Milk won’t flow from those. It’s impossible, she isn’t pregnant.

‘Pregnant?’

Once the thought entered her mind, she found that she cannot remove it, and her desire to be impregnated by her girlfriend, even if all their lovemaking will never ever bear fruit, burned her from the inside out. She wanted to be filled by Byulyi, until everything inside became fully hers.

Until something forms from both Yongsun and her.

“You’re sweet all over, Yongsun. It’s not fair if you stop me from tasting.”

Fingers plunged inside her, and scraped her sensitive walls. Yongsun held unto the lavender haired woman, as she repeatedly invaded the moist cavern. Her lips are captured by her soft ones, and tears are leaking out of her eyes, the sensation of too much pleasure overwhelming her. She felt her hips rise, Byulyi went faster and faster, and she can do nothing but gasp, as she reached her climax. When it’s so close, so near, those long digits were wrenched away from her, whining at the loss.

“No. There is something I want to try with you. And I know you’ll enjoy it.”

It’s dark inside the room, and the only light that illuminates the room is the one outside. Yongsun felt something hard prodding at her entrance, and when her hands wandered Byulyi’s hips, she felt some kind of belt around them. 

‘What?’

Then, her back arched, as Byulyi shoved it inside, her walls spasming at the large intrusion. A strap-on, Byulyi was wearing a strap-on and thrusting hard over and over again. Yongsun writhed when the rod nudged her sweetest spot, and stars bloomed on the inky black of the room. The hands on her waist will leave a dark imprint, and the loud smacks on her bottom will ache, but it feels so good. 

Tears leaked from her eyes, and she bit her lips to prevent the indecent sounds spilling from them, when Byulyi’s fingers pried them open. She licked them, the digits inside her mouth, and her tongue swirled as she coated them with her saliva, the excess sliding down her chin. Her ass was in the air and her girlfriend was behind her, still sinking the dildo into Yongsun’s insides. 

“I want to hear you. Don’t keep them from me.”

‘Make me pregnant. Pleasepleaseplease-’

It’s so futile, and nothing will happen, but Yongsun prayed and begged the heavens to grant her wish.

* * *

_‘Bye! I’ll see you next break!’_

_‘Do good at school, Yongsun!’_

_‘I will! But, wait? Why do you sound like Mom?’_

_‘Because you need someone taking care of you, dumbass. You flail when you’re left alone for too long.’_

_‘Whatever! I’ll be going now! Don’t miss me!’_

_‘I’ll always miss you. I love you, Yongsun’_

_‘Hm! I love you, too!’_

_‘Goodbye.’_

_‘See you soon!’_

* * *

Finally.

Finally!

She’s an architectural engineer now, and all her sacrifices and effort paid off. She had graduated and passed her exams to be licensed, and now she can choose whether to work for a firm or create one with Hyejin. Of course, the choice is obvious, since they had already talked and agreed that they will be joint owners of their architectural firm. It’s difficult to start this kind of business, but she’s positive that she and Hyejin will prevail!

“Hey, Yongsun! Come here for a sec!”

“Why? Don’t tell me you’re going to ask me to climb over the lights again? I’m busy, too, you know?”

“Nah, I want you to meet somebody!”

She went to their shared office, after leaving the storeroom. There, talking to Hyejin was no other than Byulyi. Her hair is now dark-brown, and she’s wearing a khaki-colored trench coat. There is a file on her hand, and a cup of iced coffee on the other.

“Byulyi! YOU VISITED!”

Hopping excitedly towards her girlfriend, Yongsun hugged her tight, arms going around the slender waist of the other girl. Her scent never changes, no matter how many years have gone by. Chamomile, like the tea she liked, and vanilla, the smell of her favorite shampoo. She nuzzled her nose to her neck, and Yongsun heard her chuckle, and soft fingers once again ran through her long strands.

“Hello to you, too, Yongsun. The investigation crew was just four blocks away, and we were given an hour break, so I sprinted here to see you.”

Byulyi kissed her on the lips when Yongsun released her, and she blushed so hard, it felt like there’s a heating pad on her cheeks.

“You two lovebirds, seriously. Me and Wheein are not as bad as you.”

“Well, Wheein is too good for you, you know!”

“That she is. Pity, she can’t be here. Girl’s still stuck in our hometown because her mother asked her to help for a while. “

Yongsun was actually pretty intimidated by Hyejin’s girlfriend, to be honest. Wheein was one of the popular girls back in university, and she was part of the student council from second year until their last year. Don’t get her wrong, Jung Wheein is an amazing girl, has a sweet voice and face, and Hyejin wouldn’t have allowed herself to be friends and girlfriends with a nasty girl. But there’s this air of nobility or high society surrounding her, and Yongsun gets so scared whenever her adorable dimples show.

_‘It straight up feels like I’m in the presence of an angel. While with Hyejin, I somehow imagine I’m the sister to the First Miss of a Yakuza family.’_

“It’s your lunch break right, you two?”

Hyejin turned around, smirked at Byulyi, and opened her mouth. “Oh yes. Actually, Yongsun is just going to have a two-hour break. We’re actually just on installations today.”

_‘Thank you. Best wingwoman. 10/10.’_

Warm hands held hers, and Yongsun felt herself melt as those lips smiled her way once more, eyes so soft, it made her want to just lose herself in the depths of those dark orbs. 

“Okay then! I’m going to steal Yongsun, Hyejin! Bye!”

And then, she was dragged by Byulyi out of the office, skipping and laughing, so free and happy.

_‘You’re still so beautiful.’_

_‘I wish this smile will be with me forever.’_

__________________________________________________________________________________

It started as any other day.

It was supposed to be a normal day.

Then, her phone rang, the melody of her ringtone destroying the quiet days of her life.

* * *

_‘Is this Miss Kim? I am Officer Park. You were the primary emergency number for Investigator Byul?’_

_‘Ah, yes! That’s me! What can I help you, officer?’_

_‘Miss, I am calling to tell you that your Investigator Jung was involved in an accident.’_

_‘What?Wh-’_

_‘She was driving her car, when a truck suddenly sped over and crashed into her automobile. The body was recovered, but I regret to inform you that she died on impact. You are the only we can contact, and we need you to go to the hospital when you are free. I am truly sorry for your loss, Miss Kim. Please know that she was one of the best rookie investigators we have.’_

_‘Okay, officer. I’ll be there.’_

* * *

Yongsun slid on the floor of her room, her phone still cradled on her shivering hands.

Her world is falling.

Falling apart.

She didn’t mishear the officer, didn’t she? It wasn’t just a hallucination? Not a nightmare? 

_‘But I regret to inform you that she died on impact.’_

The phone cracked, as she threw it as hard as it could to the wall in front of her. 

‘Byulyi… is dead?’

Tears sprang forth from her eyes, and she wailed as she hugged her knees to her chest. Hacking sobs forced itself out of her throat, and she choked. On her saliva. On her pain. On the air that is trapped inside her lungs. On the loss. On the sound of the shattering of her being.

‘It can’t be. It can’t be. It can’t be. It can’t be. ‘

Nononononononononono-

The more she thought, the harder she cried, and the agony dug deeper, twisting sharper, rougher until groves were made on the planes of her heart. Was it a knife? A blade? A razor?

The death of the girl who was her entire universe?

She screamed, banging her head with her fists, willing the words to go away. Shutting her eyes so tight, as if it will make her forget.

_‘Leave me. Leave me!’_

Whywhywhywhwhywhywhy-

“WHY?”

There was no answer, and her yells and begs were swallowed by the silence of the apartment. The one she was supposed to share with her for the rest of their lives.

Two keys. One is now a spare.

_‘Don’t leave me.’_

_‘Please, Byulyi.’_

* * *

A coffin being lowered to the ground.

Flowers thrown.

Cries heard and tears shed.

Condolences given.

Eyes with pity.

Mouths whispering.

People leaving.

The sun was bright, mocking her.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone with a slab of stone engraved with her name, her body covered by the ground.

Yongsun cannot cry anymore. She feels nothing. 

Nothing but pain.

* * *

Days and months and years came and went.

Five?

Six?

Seven?

Maybe. 

She does not count them anymore.

_‘I want to spend forever with you!’_

What a lie.

* * *

“Yongsun?”

Is that Hyejin?

“Yes?”

“It's her anniversary, do you wanna go to the cemetery?”

What’s the use?

Nothing.

“No. I’ll continue working. You can go home first.”

Eyes with pity.

“You can’t keep doing this, Yongsun. It’s been seven years.”

Has it?

“Keep doing what?”

Mouths whispering.

“This! You’re destroying yourself!”

“I don’t care. I still do good designs. Nothing has changed.”

Cries and tears shedding.

“Everything has changed! I’ve never seen you smile! Not once, since she died!”

A beautiful smile she wants to see forever.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Anger.

“Fine! I’m going to visit Byulyi with Wheein! If you find the courage to come and lay the flowers yourself, do it! Do you think she would have wanted you to waste like this?”

Died on impact. Sorry.

“I will.”

A door slamming.

People leaving.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone, and endlessly tortured with memories of her.

* * *

Yongsun does not know what came over her, nostalgia or masochism maybe, but in the eighth year of her death, she made the moronic decision to visit that cafe that served as their rendezvous point back in college, the one near the train station. It’s still here, she mused. Still standing strong, booming with customers. 

Unlike Moon Byulyi.

Blank, sunken eyes searched the interior of the cafe as she entered, keeping in mind the designs, when her gaze fell on something else.

There, at the corner, was the table they used to sit together and chat, and it held most of the happiness she felt during the times they were separated. She made her way to the table, and sat on the cushions. 

She felt nothing.

What is she doing here?

Will this make a difference?

She ordered the cappuccino, and the mousse, the one she used to get for her. Back then, she did not have the heart to tell her that of all the coffees, she hated cappuccino the most. But because she ordered it for her, Yongsun drank it.

All she drank now is cappuccino.

And alcohol.

Only until she fell asleep.

The longer she sat there, the more it overwhelmed her. The noise, the happy people. There’s no use to this self-inflicted torture, she thought, and got up. It’s nighttime now, and this was the time they used to go back to their trains and leave each other once more.

There is no one to leave, she’s gone forever.

She walked aimlessly, taking in the sights she had not seen for nearly a decade. That movie theatre is still there, but the amusement park was gone, replaced by an ugly block of concrete. As she made her way to the park, lost inside her mind, she caught the tail end of a scent she thought she would never smell in this lifetime.

Chamomile, like the tea she loved.

Vanilla, the smell of her favorite shampoo.

Byulyi?

Her heart pumped louder, more alive than it had been for the last eight years, reviving by just a whiff of familiarity. She followed, like a hound looking for a treat, mind whirring and buzzing. It can’t be? She’s only getting her hopes up for nothing. It’s a coincidence, she knows this. But why can’t she stop herself?

There. It’s stronger here.

In the shopping district she used to love, right under the lights that glittered like the stars, stood Byulyi. There’s no possibility, in any given universe, that Yongsun will ever forget that face. It’s engraved inside her brain. It’s the face that’s burned inside her lids, and the one she hoped to wake up to every morning.

Byulyi, who’s supposed to be dead.

Byulyi, who left her.

Byulyi, who’s alive.

“Byulyi?”

The girl turned, and as shock painted her face, Yongsun felt nothing but the breaking of her heart. How many times will it happen? How many times can she endure this?

“Yongsun?”

There is static in her ears, and cotton on her throat. What is happening? 

“Why are you he-here? You-You’re alive?”

There’s a complicated expression on her face that Yongsun does not wish to decipher. Something is scraping her insides, the scabbed wounds opening and gushing once more with blood. Had she been living all this time, without even giving Yongsun a hint that she is still breathing?

What happened to the trust they had for each other?

“We should talk somewhere private. There’s another cafe here. It’s quieter.”

That’s it?

Weary and already confused, she followed her best friend? Ex-girlfriend? They went into this quaint, little coffee house, and sat at the table near the window, a mockery of their own positions in a time long past. Luan ordered cappuccino and a chocolate mousse, and once again, she cannot reject her offer. She had eaten and drank the same thing earlier, but what is another shot of sugar and caffeine? She’s used to it.

“How have you been, Yongsun?

“Are you seriously going to ask that? Just tell me the reason why the fuck you vanished for eight years? And even pretended to be dead?”

_‘Tell me why you left me.’_

Byulyi grimaced and she locked her fingers in front of her, looking at Yongsun gravely. Even if they had aged, Byulyi still looked like the girl she fell in love with, the woman who she shared her everything with. 

“I did it because I can’t involve you in my job.”

What?

“You left me because you cannot involve me? I’m not worth the effort? Is that it?”

“NO! That’s not what I meant!”

“Then what?”

“I was investigating the Mafia in the area, and they were one of the biggest the force had encountered in all the years since they had established. I’m the one who had the breakthrough, found them undergoing the deal, and apprehended some of the lower level thugs of the organization. I know they will come after me, so I asked the superiors to arrange my death, and to tell you I died. I’m still active in the roster,and I’m still tracking them down. I’m sorry, Yongsun.”

What’s the point?

Eight years. 

Eight fucking years of suffering.

“Why didn’t you call me at least once? Do you know how I’d suffered? When I found out you were dead?”

She clenched her fist above her lap, her nails painfully diggin on the soft flesh of her palm. 

“I can’t put you in danger!”

“I could have agreed to break up with you, temporarily, if you wanted to go MIA for an investigation! Do you not-”

A ringtone interrupted her, the same damn song that delivered the news of her death. Or her fake death. Whenever she heard it, it used to send her into a frenzy, clambering and grabbing, just doing anything she could to turn it off. It brought nothing but hurt.

“Yes, love? I’m going to be home in a minute, alright? Yes, yes. Bye!”

Love? Home?

Ah.

“So you found another? Should have guessed. Who was that, your husband?”

Her eyes felt hot. 

Tears are prickling at the corner of her eyes.

“Yongsun…”

She whispered, head down, with a voice so quiet, she was not sure if Byulyi could hear her. “Tell me the damn truth.”

“I- I found somebody. Back when I was camping in the countryside, after I was targeted by the Mafia. He helped me a lot. And-and I married him last year. Yongsun, please understand.”

Was she the only one holding on? Was she not enough? Where did she go wrong? 

Is she the only one who fell in love? 

Is it that easy for her to forget Yongsun?

_‘All those years of bleeding, of suffering, is all for nothing?’_

“You latch unto the people who help you, huh? Typical.”

There is a pounding inside her head, and her heart is ripping, tearing, shattering. There is the need to punch, to break, to hurt. Not somebody, not Byulyi, but herself. To paint herself with her own blood again, and to ruin her own body. The rust on her kitchen knives is because of its continued use on her skin. Crisses and crosses of that same fucking blade.

Practice made her perfect in her own mutilation.

“Yongsun. It’s been eight years. I- I thought you would have forgotten about me. Did-Did you find someone, too? You would have, right? It’s been too long.”

Byulyi is cruel.

She’s so cruel.

“No. I guess I loved you too much to let you go. I still live in our apartment, you know, and I stayed there ever since we bought it together. I kept most of your things. My sketches of you are still on my table. I have a framed picture of you, to remind myself that even though you’re dead, you’re still there. It’s not the same for you, huh? You replaced me quite fast.”

Go ahead and break my heart again, Byulyi.

Her cheeks are wet, and though she said it all with a blank face and a flat voice, there’s a faint shrill in the distance, and Yongsun recognized it as the part of her she locked away, screaming and lashing. Tears continuously poured, and she could barely see Byulyi sitting in front of her.

She’s drowning, and the only one she can trust to save her, turned out to be the reason for the water filling her lungs. 

There was a blade, a razor?

No, there’s a girl who carved a hole and left it gaping.

“Yongsun, I-I-”

“No. Go back to your husband. I’ll be fine. I’ve done well these past few years without you. I can manage for a few more. I know when I’m not needed.”

Yongsun stood up, not bothering to wipe her tears, and she gazed at the woman she loved, and the one who let her go. Byulyi is crying, too, but she feels nothing.

Numb. Numb to everything.

“Bye, Byulyi. Have a good life.”

“Yongsun, wait! Please! Please, wait! Yongsun!”

She never once turned back, using the mass of people clamoring to go to the station to get away. Clutching her chest, she ran faster and faster, towards the trains, wanting to leave and bury herself on her pillows. It’s unbearable. So damn painful. Everything she had to lose, she gave to her.

But she threw it away.

Stomped on it. Spat on the love she offered.

There’s a husband. Where the fuck does that leave her?

A girl who can’t let go?

She has to go home.

Too much. Too much!

She shouldn't have left home.

_‘Home? Where was that supposed to be?’_

‘Unlucky. Unlucky.’

She didn’t think her forever will finally have an end.

* * *

The cold wind caressed her face, and her hair. Everything looks so small up here, she thought. The lights are pretty, she mused. 

They’re bright.

It’s nostalgic.

She thought the same thing when she thought Byulyi was going to have someone other than her.

Fifteen years old, and already so heartbroken. 

Someone she’ll be with, a boy to love. Someone not her.

Thirty, and already tired of the world.

Everything comes full circle, doesn’t it?

There was no escape, right?

It’s inevitable.

Here she is, on the top of the tallest building.

Yongsun has never felt so free.

A smile on the lips of the girl who forgot how to be happy.

_‘I loved you so much.’_

Her wings spread, took one last look to the moon and flew.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is it. It’s long because I want to give them a background, sorry. And if the last part felt as if Yongsun didn’t care anymore, even though Byulyi turned out to be alive, it really is just because she’s just so tired. There’s no point, like she said, to pursue when one of them is already taken, married even.
> 
> Have a good life.


End file.
